Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.

I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.

One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…

wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.

My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.

When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.

Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄

Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?

me: WTF all the shelves are empty

sales guy: yeah this is Ikea

My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”

Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.

her: this is the worst date EVER

me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit

I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.

You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that

Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.

I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.

dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes

Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.

“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen

My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.

Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.

Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners

[1st date]

date: you have any hobbies?

me: i collect old comics

date: oh like first editions?

me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure

My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles

Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*

me at a party:

*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
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.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
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.
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*go back once more*

My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.

Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.

[audition]

Casting Director: can you do accents?

Me: *cries Britishly*

CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?

Me: *cries in Japanese*

CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly

My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”

If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering