Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mumsnet is amazing

*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?

Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.

Thick flies save lives.

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*

Her: um you’re not wearing the costume

Me: pretty strong though

I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.

I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.

Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.

I can’t stop laughing 🤣

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?

Who the hell does that in a sock?!?

*squishes out of the room*

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.

them: yeah?

me: try the coffee.

Remember to think of others this holiday season!

I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.

Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?

some things should go without saying

I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song

Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts

Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids

I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.

GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol

ANGEL: What

GOD: Cat snake lmao

Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month

Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”

this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn

Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.