Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Are you on Facebook?”

“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)

What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?

If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.

If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.

landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*

also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late

[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS

It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead

Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and

Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.

Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”

Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”

Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.

[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone

Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress

when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer

Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices

dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real

[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]

Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.

*crowd gasps

[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?

Ross

8. Which is your least favorite character?

Ross

my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face

8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school

me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum

8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?

Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.

Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”

Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”

Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”

Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it

In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?

WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.

WIFES FRIEND: Why?

[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]

ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.

Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample

Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.