this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Golf would be better with landmines.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
