Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What type of magazine do cows read?

Cattlelogs.

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.

5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.

[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”

Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans

“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life

Every woman I know is down catastrophic for the United Healthcare CEO assassin so if you’re a lonely, unstable, disaffected young man yearning for love and connection I can confidently tell you that there’s (1) thing you can do to get that special girl’s attention…

People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying

Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.

normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes

Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.

“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”

[swimming pool]

Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?

Lifeguard: that’s impossible

Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable

’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.

Guy who pronounces HOA like boa

The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…

Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.

me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss

My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”

I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS

*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack

My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that

Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.