This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!
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Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*
Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.
Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
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Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
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Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
they should create new variants of dopamine
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row