This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!
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“oh, i didn’t expect to see you here” i say to the work i left for myself to complete after the holidays
We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?