DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
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When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.