This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

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I am at my most old Italian man when I buy something that tastes awful from Costco but eat it all anyway because I paid good money for that and we don’t waste food in this house


My SO – Do you like it dirty?
My SO – Do you like it wet
Me: MM Hm
My SO – Here is a towel, do the dishes.
Me: Whispers safe word


*makes Transformer sound effects while I put my makeup on*


2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!


Twitter, because my work isn’t just going to ignore itself.


when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied


If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor

If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it


Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.


Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*