This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
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How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Nice try, poison.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*