Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas

Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.

The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.

Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder

[lost at sea]

FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair

ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]

Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots

Him: Great! How’s it going?

Me: *very deep breath* so so

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”

expecting to live rent-free in my mind? good luck being homeless

I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.

Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards

Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle

11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O

*During sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?

4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?

Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that

Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.

click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever

When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

sir, my pâté if you please

Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.

I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*

*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*