This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
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Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.