This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
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One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
decorating my apartment
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
-Ordering a pizza $40
-Having it delivered $5
-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home
Sliceless
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting