@mattwhitlockPM

This girl tweeted “You might be ghetto if you bring outside food into the movies.” …No, you might be stupid if you pay 4.99 for Skittles.

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@sixfootcandy

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

@thesulk

When I die, please don’t do an autopsy. Whatever happened is fine.

@LorieGZ

Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’

@not_delicate

I convinced my husband to start going to the gym, and now he’s all in shape and looking hot!!
So… any takers?

@bobvulfov

[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say

@GreenishDuck

Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.

@iwearaonesie

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

@TheAlexNevil

“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England

@OctopusCaveman

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

@KenJennings

Dance like no one is threatening to call the police if you don’t take your boombox and leave the Christian Science Reading Room immediately.