My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
This girl tweeted “You might be ghetto if you bring outside food into the movies.” …No, you might be stupid if you pay 4.99 for Skittles.
You Might Also Like
When I die, please don’t do an autopsy. Whatever happened is fine.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
I convinced my husband to start going to the gym, and now he’s all in shape and looking hot!!
So… any takers?
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Dance like no one is threatening to call the police if you don’t take your boombox and leave the Christian Science Reading Room immediately.