Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?

Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.

Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.

P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.

Me: Is that a beret?

P: Oui.

Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi

If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.

him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?

still him: oh dude, that’s my bong

– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.

the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much

I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back

If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.

I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”

Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you

“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?

There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few

Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.

Cop: License and registration

Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec

Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.

Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh

In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m extremely flexible

professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?

me: no problem

Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki

Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?

Victor Frankenstein: No.

Noah was an idiot.

instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.