TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
This girls skirt is so short I can see how many times her dad missed a dance recital from here.
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When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
How to make your girl feel special:
1) Write down how you feel about your drink or drug of choice.
2) Put her name on it & give it to her.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol