@seriouslyemily

This girls skirt is so short I can see how many times her dad missed a dance recital from here.

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@PhilJamesson

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

@WilliamAder

“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.

@AmishPornStar1

Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?

Just me?

@WalkingOutside

Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.

@SonOfCha

I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.

@BoogTweets

Psychologist: what is the issue

Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.

Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*

@TheToddWilliams

An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.