This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child
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I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”