This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child
![]()
You Might Also Like
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
fixed it
![]()
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.