This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
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*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.