This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
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TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
This is my pinned tweet
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice