This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
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Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?