This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
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WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.