This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
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ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?