This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
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“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Ion see the issue
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”