@LukeMones

This google docs thing is lame. Whatever happened to those viruses that turned your screen into a laughing skull & shut down the power grid?

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@truegritrumble

Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.

@continentlbkfst

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank

@BCMontgo

Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.

Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.

Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?

@aedison

We’ve all been talking about your paranoia.

@Scott_A_Gilmore

What manner of evil contract with the devil must I enter into so I can get eye drops INTO my eyes?

@jakob_huber

A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”

@ddrwg

All I wanna do is *gun shot* *gun shot* *gun shot* *cash register noise* *goat sounds* *mousetrap explodes* wake up from this weird dream.

@gobmentcheese

Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.

@daemonic3

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

@ericsshadow

Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?

1996: eww that’s gross

2016: head first without thinking