Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
This google docs thing is lame. Whatever happened to those viruses that turned your screen into a laughing skull & shut down the power grid?
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me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
We’ve all been talking about your paranoia.
What manner of evil contract with the devil must I enter into so I can get eye drops INTO my eyes?
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
All I wanna do is *gun shot* *gun shot* *gun shot* *cash register noise* *goat sounds* *mousetrap explodes* wake up from this weird dream.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking