this got me crying😭😭
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[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Super Hand Dog Face
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
They got a point!
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
The probiotic bottle says there’s a billion good bacteria in every dose. How do we know they’re all good? Out of a billion can we be sure there’s not one mean ass microbe just waiting to escape the capsule and kill someone?
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.