this got me crying馃槶馃槶
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ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend鈥檚 dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
HR is giving me a hard time because I鈥檝e been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
You can鈥檛 hurt me. You aren鈥檛 my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 馃槉馃槉馃槉
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You鈥檙e welcome.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
shit just got real
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Husband: It鈥檚 so weird that the kids didn鈥檛 get any Twix or Reece鈥檚 Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That鈥檒l teach them to get my order wrong.
Her: I can鈥檛 eat all that.
Me: … That鈥檚 a blueberry.
What are some weird things about living in the modern world?
I鈥檓 a regular customer of a restaurant that I鈥檝e never been to.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 馃檨
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
this has to be peak English
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.