this got me crying😭😭
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My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
guys i’ve cracked the code
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.