Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise

I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”

i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile

Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?

Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal

wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle

me: *putting down the ketchup* ok

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber

[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.

It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?

I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.

me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.

*reading a children’s book*

That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.

I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN

If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.⁣⁣

Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏

*I mean there’s construction on our street

Okay so I need to find and purchase this book

This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel

[creation of spinach]

God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.

Angel: Is everything okay at home?

ME: should we give it a dry rub

CORONER: get out

[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]

Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!

Mugger: OMG sing the rest

my name if I was in the mob

You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.