this got me crying😭😭
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I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
My nickname in high school was “who?”
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
