this got me crying😭😭
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Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Dog people like dogs
Cat people like cats
Lizard people are lizards
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.