this got me crying😭😭
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[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
just having fun
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.