this got me crying😭😭
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When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
This made me smile…
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
cats when you pet them too long:
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him