This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
You Might Also Like
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.