This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
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please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.