This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
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If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really