This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
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there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
this isn’t threatening at all
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
I’d like a simple burial. I only want to be mummified and have a tasteful pyramid placed on top of me.