@passion8turk

This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.

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@FredTaming

me: [donating body to science]

science: [donates my body to goodwill]

@HenpeckedHal

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

@themiltron

god: behold, my creatio–
people: some rocks are more important than others
god: what?
people: i would literally kill for the yellow rock

@BillWeirCNN

Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.

@JaymayAllDay

1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.

@Brentweets

“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”

@lejessica

I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.

Me: When can you operate?

*lighting a candle*

Doctor: When we find you a new liver.