me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
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ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
god: behold, my creatio–
people: some rocks are more important than others
people: i would literally kill for the yellow rock
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Punctuation is important, kids.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.