Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”

Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.

I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”

– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive

I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.

Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked

Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order

Me: And I have some ideas

Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.

I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.

“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief

The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.

I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.

The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.

microwave: gonna cook it

me: no please. just defrost the chicken.

microwave: ok i’ll do both

*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”

2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.

4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.

Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.

8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?

Me: Is he the one with the PS4?

8: Yes.

Me: And motorized scooter?

8: Yes.

Me: And trampoline?

8: Can you drive me to his house?

me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it

lady: can I have my baby back

Me: I love you..Marry Me!

Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings

I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.

Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?

It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.