This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
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I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.