Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.

me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you

daughter: no I have my own banana

me: haha I know but its like a phone

daughter: how

Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?

Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.

Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.

I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.

Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?

5: Pencils. Duh.

My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.

Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.

Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)

My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.

“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”

If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

me: yes

Netflix: is that a book in your hands?

me: *gulp* no

[doing crossword]

Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks

13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad

When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days

Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing

Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.

my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself

Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS

The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”

We are all that mom.

I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’

i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry

jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”

People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.

When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.

{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}

me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT

when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice