Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?

Her: I’d love that!

Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while

Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?

[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.

me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please

When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.

Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.

Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star

Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

Room with a view.

I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.

Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.

I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder

Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”

Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.

Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.

My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.

My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon

Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes

a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.

I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod