This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
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me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.