Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
This guy at speed dating asked if I have any weird tattoos I was like lol not if you love The Golden Girls.
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Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
I think my neighbor’s dog is in heat. She’s been crying the last 2 nights. I may need to take one for the team if I want to get some sleep.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
“Some form of ancient mop”.