A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
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Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Never be a pizza!
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Same pineapple, same
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.