This guy at speed dating asked if I have any weird tattoos I was like lol not if you love The Golden Girls.

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[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.


Boss: Project’s way behind. Suggestions? I’m willing to try anything.
Me: *raises hand*
Him: Anything but “helper monkeys”
Me: *lowers hand*


Before you say you “value my opinion,” just know if a genie granted me 3 wishes, one of them would be to star in Sister Act 3.


my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?


A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house


wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working


Wow, I must look really hot tonight working out, everyone is totally staring at me.

*walking on treadmill with a candy bar and a Pepsi


“Alcohol doesn’t affect me”

*Wakes up with cornrows, a light saber and two taxidermy lizards*