Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge

When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my Imagine Asian.

I was told that I look like the kind of person that loves playing tetris and I just don’t know how to take that

Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.

Emma is smarter than all of us.

Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.

Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”

“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’

You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.

the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders

I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.

Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.

But a little drama never hurts.

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.

NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE

4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!

Me: What’s her name?

4: I don’t remember.

You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.

Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.

Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!

My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing

Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.

Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.

Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.

Doc: Stop eating pizza.

Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.

HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD

I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”

*starts driving*

“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”

Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.