Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.

ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate

COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly

ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here

oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]

Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.

[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?

Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s

Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp

These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.

My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)

ME: Ready?

KID: *angry bleating*

It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”

Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.

Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”

“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”

-no girl ever

Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?

Yes.

I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?

Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

Adhd brain is amusing.

I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.

That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.

m’lady

I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.

Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date

Me: ok brag that you get to the third date

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo

serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.

i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is

What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.

[product design]

CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures

me: OK should they be easy to open?

CEO: absolutely not