Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024

My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.

When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate

‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.

Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.

kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”

Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭

My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.

I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse

In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates

“Morning guys”

“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”

– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.

rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.

If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?

Oh, I went there…;)

I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.

non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?

Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”

You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what

ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer

HER: it’s ok i don’t drink

ME: ok we have 2 problems

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street

My wife is just 3 days younger than me…

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.