This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
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Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
road rage
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
I’m listening
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????