me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
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Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.