Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”

“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.

My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!

What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays

Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works

Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?

Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing

Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?

Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider

Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?

Me: No

A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.

My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.

boss: you’re working very efficiently

me: oh thanks

boss: so I’m giving you more work

me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient

I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.

Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!

[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot

A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.

😂

I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.

Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.

Wonders if chickens do the funky people.

HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.

{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.

The British Museum will take anything but jokes.

Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”

Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks

Him: you just offended all of Canada

Hoping to spice up my evening

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single

I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication

Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.

I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them

million dollar idea: worm dehorser

Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”

The neighbor is having an open home

How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?