Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news

“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”

“Different fathers?”

“Shark attack.”

If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.

You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.

Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20

Her: they’re probably phoney

Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones

How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?

CATHOLICS: 18

Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”

The picture:

My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.

And then hit her head.

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.

Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*

Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”

I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet

[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.

Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.

Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.

[Later]

Friend: Where’d you guys meet?

Me: Family reunion

Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.

FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.

My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*

I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal

babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped

i hope this email finds you fast and furious

People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.

I have the body of a 30yr old

Sofa.