Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted

Don’t do drugs, kids.

The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.

Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???

normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.

if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk

One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.

Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.

Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.

would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”

GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!

ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]

[later]

GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

wife: i wish you’d moan during sex

[later, whilst doing the sex]

me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese

When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”

ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this

You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?

Don’t touch my fries.

[At Vision Center]

Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?

Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.

Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?

What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?

Me at my 225th rodeo:

“What the hell is going on?”

My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are

If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

[6 months after breaking up]

Me: AND ANOTHER THING,

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.

Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.

Muppet Screams