Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?

you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”

No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.

The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession

FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?

ME: uhh…yeah…of course

[later]

ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine

With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us

[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?

Him:

Me:

Him: Which half?

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

that colleague who touches your screen

Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.

Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.

Someone die? Time to get high!

Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!

(BYO shovel)

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.

I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.

[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

[hotel room]

Her: why are you making the bed

Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

[dressed like Slave Leia]

Them: Haha ready for Halloween?

Me: Halloween?

angel: where’d all the zebras go?

God: I put ’em in the desert

angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow

God: I know lol

*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*

Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”

I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).

If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.

What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!

When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!