This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.
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Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.