This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.
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Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
sensitive skin
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Joseph Smith, 1833
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.