Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage

Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose

Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?

If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.

A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.

Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.

person walking by my house:

my dog: I’ve killed people for less

Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?

Me: *turns on the blender* What?

Husband: I said…

Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop

Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

How to paint a live flamingo:

1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it

The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.

How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7

Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?

Seen but not heard

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

*walks into the funeral home*

*climbs into a coffin*

I’m ready when you are

sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

[Knock at the door]

Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?

Mary: What’s he done this time?

Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.

For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?

Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?

Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?

My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.