This guy gets it.
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It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)