If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
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The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Message from the dog groomers
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.