This guy gets it.
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If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
😭😭😭
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible