Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –

Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*

Love is always patient and kind.

Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.

The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.

I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?

If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either

My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.

We are never ever ever getting back together 🎶

Tupperware lids

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]

I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway

Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.

HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.

… Nailed it!

Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great

[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]

I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.

Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?

Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!

Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it

Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line

200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass

[ creating bats ]

god: well we already made birds

angel:

god:

angel: what if they were goth

god: omg what IF they were goth tho

DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S

[Ouija Board]

“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”

Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ

“OMG HOW”

Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ

Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*

JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith

ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus

JON: Bad medicine is what I need

ME: Can someone take Jon home please

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.