This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
