This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
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I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please