This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
