Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out

6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up

Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

“I took care of your clown problem.”

Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat

Parenting log, day 560:

The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.

The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.

Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.

I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right

Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !

Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!

Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.

Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?

[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden

dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!

Cat Burglar (noun)

: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice

🐈‍⬛😂🖤

[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start

Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]

Fred: MY DAUGHTER!