Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else

“Is this the fifth one?”

– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish

My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.

*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*

Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend

Boss: You’re late.

Me: Only in this time zone.

Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.

I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.

I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.

Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half

My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together

Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down

They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.

date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook

ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?

CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months

[9 years later]

CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

[police chasing man on foot]

Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.

“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]

Just a phase…

What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?

A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.

“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”

ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris