Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.

We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.

Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.

I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.

This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.

my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.

There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.

Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.

15: Ok

Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.

15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.

so

the limit is 412 chicken nuggets

I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.

“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”

Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”

Me: “Are you driving or walking?”

Man: “Driving.”

Me: “That would be the quickest way.”

Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie

[alternate universe]

Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]

Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive

I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.

Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal

Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare

Librarian: which one?

Me: William

Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.

I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again

Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”

her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol

me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it