Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me

Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.

~Me flirting

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.

I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re critical

me: I meant medically

I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass

Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.

I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.

My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.

Seductively rubs salt in your wound.

This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.

Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time

Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…

Then I threw clock at her face.

I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that

Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.

Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.

You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8

Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.

One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit

People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants

…or whatever that saying is

Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.

Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.

[princess gets captured in a castle]

[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]

Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth

I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES