Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me

Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”

In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this

Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup

One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.

I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”

“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge

Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.

Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.

Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”

How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.

Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth

“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers

Detective: one of you is the murderer

The actual murderer: *remains calm*

Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*

Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.

Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.

Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report

handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat

JK it’s spam

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.

If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?

*to woman next to me in yoga*

how do you get the mat to stop curling back up

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.

After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.