Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

barista: room for cream?

me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator

Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.

As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”

My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.

Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg

Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no

yeah not falling for this one

🎵 I can’t wait to

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman

Thank you corporation very cool

Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway

“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”

#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes

Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.

Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…

What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.

Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?

Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.

CSI: North Pole

Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.

Chief: Did you find hoof prints?

Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.

First day of gondolier training:

You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?

Singing. You have to sing.

Sing?! How could this job be any worse?

Wait, let me get your costume.

[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”

Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.

It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.

Ma’am, it’s moving.

I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!

Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .

“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”

– Kids

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.

I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time