Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first day as a hair stylist

“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”

I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.

My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.

WTF. I was looking right at her.

Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim

“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.

I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.

7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?

Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.

yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor

Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.

My current situation

First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”

me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it

me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

Check your privilege

My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor

Airport security:…

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.

It was me.

Them: Why are you single?

Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.

ㅤ

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it

Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?

I hate my earbuds.

My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.