This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
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Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Webb. James Webb.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
how to market bottled water to dads
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE