This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
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WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Me, flirting😏
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.