This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
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How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Gemma Correll
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:
a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.