This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
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According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do