This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says โthank you girlโ without even seeing my face ๐๐๐๐๐
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I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. ๐คฃ๐
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Toxic snake
Funny how โcriminal attorneyโ can be understood in two different ways.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Rambo Rambow
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactlyโฆ
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WEโRE HAVIN GYROS
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, weโll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like Iโm screaming* Like that.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Kids at this rave act like theyโve never seen a CPAP machine.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
โShall we proofread this before posting?โ
โFuck it.โ
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”