Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.

Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*

Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.

Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone

Me: that’s what cell phones are for

*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop

craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead

still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too

Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.

“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh

Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.

Drill sergeant: …

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭

The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.

My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.

If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?

My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”

I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS

[Job interview]

Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?

Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.

Executive: You’re hired.

Me: I’ll start in a week.

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.

[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no

Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in

Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend

Me: That tail tho

“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”

“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”

ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today

WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!

ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it

Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?

*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*

So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.