Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*

Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*

Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*

A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…

I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.

Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale

Wife: it’s adorable

Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS

Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!

Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?

Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…

-my wife telling a story

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not

ㅤ

Child: [eating cereal]

Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.

Child: Thank you.

Me [taking a step]: *crunch*

Child:

Me: There it is.

When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”

Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?

Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?

WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer

ME: Eels

Him: How does my football throw look to you?

Me: Like you’re good at science…

I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.

i don’t think it’ll all fit in there

Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.

y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

Me: mic is short for microphone

My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!

Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.