This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂
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Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
My boss called in sick of me
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.